My Favorite One-liners

brian — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 02:31:36 +0000

Simply ask my family and friends and you’ll find out that I love one-liners. I love some of them so much that I use them over and over and over. So, I set out on a quest to add more arrows to my quiver. Here are a few that I found which I like:

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the real thing!
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

Brian Crow » jokes

My Favorite One-liners