My Favorite One-liners

Simply ask my family and friends and you’ll find out that I love one-liners. I love some of them so much that I use them over and over and over. So, I set out on a quest to add more arrows to my quiver. Here are a few that I found which I like:

  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
  • Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • Boycott shampoo! Demand the real thing!
  • C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
  • Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
  • Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
  • For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  • For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
  • Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  • Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
  • I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
  • I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
  • If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
  • Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  • Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  • Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
  • Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
  • Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
  • You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.